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i do dwell in coastlines –
between the salt water and the
sea strands i watch the arches
of my feet be kissed by
creeping little creatures
and the demure sucking
of the ocean’s lacy skirts,
twitching restless and happy
in the light

i have never liked the
open sea once the sun
goes down – at night it is a
galaxy swelling and mute
like a storm, lumbering
leviathan made of ink
and coal, made molecule
for molecule of the kind of
fear that starts
in the marrow-spaces
of your bones;
a dreadful suck of negative
of empty
empty empty

we all know in space
no one can hear you scream
and the scary part is
how so much of me
want to plunge through its
hidden stars        
           choke on brine,
       have it strip my lungs raw and wet,
    cough out jet-pearl bubbles that shriek their way upwards
through oil-slick black and just

sink and sink
and sink and
  sink and

so i turn my head away
and look to the soil,
where the coastal
grasses whisper in the wind

So my sister Sarah recently released a book about her adventures as a fisherwoman on the south-western Western Aust coastline, working as a deckie - got me thinking about my own perspective on the ocean
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sleepysheepdog Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2013
Girl, what???? This is so excellent. Every stanza like quicksand, goddamn. 

and the demure sucking
of the ocean’s lacy skirts

^^^^For instance, that happened. And it was all etiquette and powerful and effortless--I mean to say the imagery is superb, but also the character being bestowed to the ocean. This allows for a relationship, neither of you a voyeur in each other's world, and that played out wellll. 

And then there was talk of lumbering leviathans and I was done, I tell you, DONE. And then I like how you turned sea into sky and wanted to fall through both. All the outside forces, so pushy and tempting to surrender to, and your awareness of not only the looming fusion of external forces in comparison to the self but also how the self sees that distance and wants, even a little, to unmake it---this is good poetry, ma'am. 
Meggie272 Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Girl, what???? to you too because wow, this is only MY POETRY HERO ON DEVIANTART COMMENTING ON MY POEMS. I think I need to sit down. I'm already sitting down. I need to sit down more than I already am. I have butterflies in my everything. 

Oh my god, thank you though. You get it! I'm freaked the fuck out by skies and seas but I also want to be totally consumed by them and I think their immense lure is part of their freakiness and their freakiness is part of their immense lure. It's all a big vicious circle. 
sleepysheepdog Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2014
Best reply everrrrrr. Also, I don't think you're supposed to compliment me while I'm telling you how awesome you and your poem are and I think I am honestly a little embarrassed that I qualify as a poetry hero. But being your poetry hero, that actually sounds like a really snuggly comfy position to be in and I am all about comfort. Ahaha, you are lovellllyyyyy. Sit down more than you already are? Would that be laying down maybe? Or is there a further degree of sitting down that I am just unable to access?

Butterflies! And blackberries, I hope!

Immensity and vastness and infinite and how those things become internal, to be unable to grasp but able to hold; scary crazy beautiful stuff. You are onto something, honeysting.
Meggie272 Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
*laughs manically* I WILL OVERTURN ALL THE TRADITIONALLY ACCEPTED PARADIGMS OF COMPLIMENT-GIVING-RECEIVING. Nah, let's just form a mutual appreciation club and coo at each other. It is always the best solution to everything. 

I suppose I could sort of lay down over my chair, planking fashion, but that would make it hard to type...or I could slump down in a boneless fashion, or I could curl up into a little ball like a slater beetle and just roll out the door. The possibilities are infinite. 

I have a big *thing* for the smallness of humans in relation to everything. I know it's a pretty cliche idea by this point, like oooh the tininess and insignificance of us, but it's still fascinating to me. I love that we are consciously aware and terrified of the infinite and inexplicable nature of the universe, and yet we still keep putting on white coats and trying to figure it out, mapping the stars and trying to find the edges of everything. 
Braxton-T-Rutledge Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2013
I picked one stanza out of this to critique. I generally like your imagery, the lack of syntax makes it hard for me to establish a true sense of rhythm.

we all know in space

no one can hear you scream - telling people something you assume everyone knows is generally a bad idea in writing. 

Try this on your eyes:

"to plunge through those hidden
stars, choke on brine
let it strip my lungs raw let
bubbles stream in oil black slick and 
sink, and sink
 and sink and

The image, the way you word this, is to suggest you are frightened. This is the meat of that stanza, this is where it's at, that human element.

Meggie272 Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for the feedback, dude! Very appreciated. I need to go back over this, but I'm shying away from it at the moment for some reason. I get what you mean about the sense of rhythm. That's something I always struggle with in my poetry - they feel like just meandering disconnected thoughts, with no real sense of importance or impact. But if I try to incorporate rhythm it can sometimes feel a bit forced and that's something I've gotta work on. 
Braxton-T-Rutledge Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2013
Just read it outloud to yourself, and put in some commas where you pause. I'm not talking about a rhythm you get when you listen to a rapper, I'm talking about the rhythm you hear in conversation, the unspoken punctuation we say. 

Syntax is the difference between me getting inside your head the way you actually think and me getting to guess at how you think based on the context of the words on the page.
Meggie272 Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Yeah, I'm familiar. I think I've done that for the most part, except for the third stanza, which does need renovating. I think I was trying to go for the tumbleofwordsohmygodsomuchemotionsomuchdramawow effect.
Braxton-T-Rutledge Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2013
that's called "stream of consciousness" something a guy named Faulkner used to great effect. 

I'm afraid my opinion is that it isn't effective in this particular poem yet. You'll either need a lot of revision or a moderate amount of revision if you go with adding syntax.
Meggie272 Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Well, I'll get on to it, cheers for your input :)
Braxton-T-Rutledge Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2013
Diamondsnake Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
:wow: You know, I really get lost in the imagery your words create. It's fantastic and utterly beautiful.
Meggie272 Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Ah, thank you dear! :heart:
OrientalArc Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2013  Hobbyist Interface Designer
it has come out quite well and I believe you could still go on and on..
Meggie272 Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you!
nyfromdahood Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I really enjoy your metaphors for nature, they stir the mind and show your unique perspective on your surroundings
Meggie272 Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! Nature's a really, really big part of my writing, so it's good to know the constant oceans-and-trees talk is enjoyable. 
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